causalityobliger's Journal

4:43pm: just want to start off by saying "hey", "hello", "long time no talk" "whats up lately?"

because we have all been living our lives in very seperated and very distant places, but anyway, This is not a bad post : ). not that im going to say WHY, but as for now, its a little strange that i do, but i feel a little weird. thats all for now : )

( um, guess i should say something happened)

6:35pm: ok, i've had another think (i know, my journal gets abused with my thinks)

and my conclusion is that, if you are good enough, lying is a better option than honesty, depending on the situation. this is a depressing realization for me, because i had believed that, or rather made it my goal to be the best person i can be, naturally. showing the world who i really am. that meant making my personality the best response to whatever situation i was in. that is no longer possible, proven through experience, so this is my conclusion and answer.

ps. lying isnt implied here with the normal connotations, it just means that i would be hiding part of my personality, basically not trusting the world, or other people.

and really, this is just so i can remember what i thought about. if someone read this (sunny i mean u) then u should just talk to me normally! get an msn messenger screen name: mine = wumbabum@hotmail.com b/c i quit aim so long ago.

4:35am: the sky is orange, even though its 430 in the morning

3:16am: this is a very SERIOUS post- i should re-get to know sunny xu. and i'll also work with bing at S&Shake now.. heh..
well i didnt actually mean to write anything serious, (but i would like to know what sunny did for the last two years!) but it's hard to believe that i wrote such personal thoughts on this journal. i heard that it is a symptom of add people to write down their thoughts before they "lose" them, and that's very true. if i didn't write down what i thought, i would "lose" my ideas. other ppl are supposed to have "mental filing cabinets" ???? man! how lucky!! ahhhH!!! u guys are so lucky! hehehe.. well, really, my head is more like RAM-random access memory. i randomly access what i need to remember, and sometimes it accesses and sometimes it doesn't. and i have a bad hardrive.

so this is my external removable hardrive.

//edit
i just realized.. that nap i took was really long, 6 hrs or so. i woke up, it was 3, i was bored, i played with my dog.

hmm.... so maybe i will make this unserious post even more serious.

i realize that i really did lose many friends back then... sigh.. well, let me tell you what i think. or more like, what i already concluded half a year ago, since i never told you anyway. everyone knows yiping, yes? well, i've gotten to know him pretty well.. last fall i drove jen to purdue (stupid of me) for .. what was it? i think yiping was hosting a party for a korean college kid.

well.. skip the party and fast forward to me and yiping sitting next to my truck, waiting for jen to sober up.. ... more stupidness, i know i know.

but that night, i was able to identify my experience with his. we talked for a very long time, until she woke up and complained to us that we left her in the cold (well we did, kind of). to be honest, we basically learned the same thing about her, or.. maybe from her. so that night i was able to get over her (finally!).

dont misunderstand, getting over her doesnt mean i finally "stop liking her" that happened a lonnng time ago. the meaning is, i dont think i could have approached any other relationship normally before that. (meaning i guess i could now, and it jen wouldnt be part of it) in fact.. the whole thing just kind of disgusts me now. . . a lot. so if u were worried if it was going to hurt me all those years ago, well i think i came out for the worse. this whole thing happened a while ago, keep in mind. last fall, which makes it a half a year. so for a while, ive just gone with what i already had in college- new friends, privacy of my room, etc.

and everyone thinks i'm still the same -_-

well i dont want to make any more posts on her. its not worth my time posting on or your time reading.

11:32pm: hey everyone, remember me? ppl better... >:(!!

well, anyway, i have something good to share.

...

i can dance now

huh? u say? joe doensn't dance, he just does funky weird looking stuff and i laugh

well! hahhahaha.... u are wrong now... hehehe...

at least i hope ....
err....

anyway, i've been practicing, and i can dance now. still pretty funky, but looks better... i learned some things, like
subtle hand movements, put most of my movement in my hips/torso, and my body will follow, even my hands and arms.
on a random note fyi, i found that the best music that i could hear the beat well in was by [daft punk], songs like too long, crescendolls, one more time, etc... stuff from some album called discovery... it's basically like.. funky techno dance music.

also... i can't hear black music... especially bad ones... i can't even try... i'm dancing, i'm liking it, then black music comes on... i have to stop right there. no more movement. the problem is i can't feel the music and therefore can't feel the beat... i guess i should try to learn.. but ... i don't like it in the first place, so huh, w/e.

anyway good luck to all on ur finals, good luck to me on mine, and truthfully it'd be cool to see someone when we all get back. I MEAN IT SO FIND ME AND MAKE ME HANG OUT WITH U!!

3:54am: well well well...

hello, journal which i haven't done anything with for too long. these last two weeks, or more like this last week, was so hectic. sooo hectic. i just hope something will come of it. i guess something already has, with all that studying i just did through the new years (and i totally forgot about it), and that's a ... change .. for sure. so joe, in the future, i hope your not still wasting your time like i always am.

someday! i am going to wake up, run, drink coffee, eat, and be on time for something. i just know it. until then, ... i'm just going to have to work my way towards being self-sufficient (and motivated). so to everyone out there, i wish you motivation! happy new years :)

6:44pm: gr!
dont read this! its pointless!

my bike broke- its the crappiest thing wal mart ever sold me. the handlebars fell of after the steel holding them in place ripped at the base. what kind of bike rips apart?!? i hate walking -__-

but other than that.... fall got some points when i looked at that big tree yesterday. it actually made me stop because it was so pretty. (god always was the best at that type of stuff)

4:37am: ...
what people are saying is making me angry. i need a new start.

4:56pm: me
i ran away from home; my parents we're erronously deciding what i needed, and so, away i ran out the front door without a coat, shoes, or socks. eventually, i circled around to find that my dad had taken my cousin and her friend out to eat, as they we're planning before i left. since all the doors we're locked, i jumped the fence and broke in the back door to grab some socks, my application materials (what they were complaining about) and a coat, said a word to my mom who was sitting on the couch, furious and depressed, and used the spare key to drive my truck. i went to my church, where there's a light on all night, so that i could finish my essay. worked until 1, took a break with wendy's, went back, fell asleep (in my truck), woke up at 8, started working, finished at 2. i then took my truck to kevin's house to type it out. he wasn't home, but his dad was. Thanked his dad for letting me use his computer, and then came outside to fined my truck on a tow-truck next to a cop car; i had parked on someone elses driveway. Got it cleared up with all my trucks and dollar bills intact, went home, told them it was done. it seems that everyone had a good nights sleep to cool down.

1:22am: there are those who keep track of my life, and then there are those that don't (this is for you)

i now have a sister ( a real one, and not an older one; a 12 year old).



no... no joke. my cousin lives with us now b/c of her family's financial situation and lack of time to take care of her. so, say hello to Eunhye!

10:24pm: finally
i have a growing respect for sanghak. he is prideful, but neither foolish nor insensitive. and most of all, he has the insight to doubt what everyone else assumes. in short, he seeks the truth, and this is dangerously potent.

and finally, i have found someone that digs for the same things that i do. it's not a fad, especially not in this day; i was so sad ..... seeing how everyone looked on the surface of their lives, what they touched. even those highly skilled at manipulation and social tact did not go back to the most basic questions on which they, along with everyone else, have built their entire lives on.

they worked so hard at solving what seemed to be the real problems in their life, not even seeing where the real problems were .... it made me sad ...

no one ever reminded me of myself. my parents, never. my oldest brother, too obsessed with success (although adept at his perfection). my middle brother, stumbled on the application of the answers to existence. my sister in law, full of knowledge, but what is knowledge without will. and the rest of my friends ... each one is certian to be lost if i divulge my belief. i have looked for a concrete foundation on which to build my life. i could tell you what i have found, but it is so vast, so intangible;

to experience something is the best way to know it through and through. to hear about it .... this could be the worst.

for sanghak i have hope, because he doubts what could be, and quite likely are, lies.

the truth shall set you free ....

10:15pm: when you teach
ill write this in a letter form addressed to you, whom i will call "you".

when you lead a group through some activity, you are the teacher. you had better know the ins and outs and even the corners of what can go wrong and what should go right, else you'll be flapping your arms and landing with an inadequate, shameful product; that is, unless, someone from your group is qualified to lead and teach and does so.

that is only the basis; the background. You, the teacher, knowing the effects of most of the related issues and responses that you can give, HAVE TO energize the group..... rather... fill them with the goal, then the desire, and finally the dream or hope to produce whatever that activity entails producing (skill, or a presenation, or other). If you fail at this, you have failed at using your whole group. only those who push themself rather than being dragged by the teacher towards the goal will contribute to the excellent qualities of the product, rather than the useless presence of a crap result.

ok... i wrote it down.

10:07pm: october 19 2004 22 07
This is my journal. These are my most private thoughts; almost a direct window into my soul. It's as close as you'll ever get, anyway, without catching me in one of moments, one of which i am in now.
I don't expect you to understand them, apply them, or even judge me. I'd rather you not judge me, in fact. Especially from this. this is not poetry, not simply thoughts. these are ideas. to me they are observations, truths.

all know no one can get it right.. the perfect life, but there is something very true in whatever i say when i know what i am saying. when i KNOW IT.

=---=

i know my limits. growing up, i thought men would be able to endure so much more, that i would be able to endure more than they. my limits are so small; i can endure so little; don't push my buttons, for i cannot hold back myself. not myself, when it becomes stronger than me, i have reached my limit of control. out of control. dont push my buttons. you never know when you are, but i can tell you that you are doing so whenever i have to endure, when it costs me something, when i sacrifice. when i hold myself back.

to be natural would be too easy, and too hard. there is no easy way out. to be natural would get me expelled, disowned, and killed. any of those, maybe none, but nevertheless, the easy way leaves too many holes for me to slip and fall.

so i have to control. it is not a mask. What is a mask? ... i imagine my control could become a mask, but i do not know. life has not told me yet, and life teaches me all, everything i know. it could be a mask i imagine, but i can only imagine. what i do know is what you see: control. calculated. i draw from other lessons that life has taught to pattern the reaction to you; it is this way whenever my natural reaction is not fitting, too risky.

but so far, i believe in my natural way, that it is something good, something natural to me, and to deviate from it more than what is necessary to keep me alive and efficient is to harm myself.

my goal? to increase my limit. become as close to perfect as possible.

there. it ended. my moment. nothing after those last words was inspired. im just rambling now (and whenever i say im rambling, i really am; its definitely not new or inspired). o, and just something i remembered while writing above; never interrupt me in my moment if you can avoid it. it breaks it up; it shocks me too. what happened to me? why am i being forced to react when i was in grasp of a perfect concept? in the state of realizing an epiphany? you took it away... i cant believe you did that ... (even though you just wanted me to go eat dinner, fold clothes, clean my room, finish homework, practice piano, or look up the homework assignment #s[just to cover the rest of you]). ill hold it against you, anyway, for taking away my moment, or rather, pushing me off the top of the mountain, where the light shines, and where i was standing until you ...

now, not to say that you cant talk to me. just be ready to accept the flood of vocalized concept. perfection flawed by me and by taking the form of words

3:35pm: i thought, so i wrote
Wow, that is beautiful. it almost makes up for it being the most depressing time of the year. (meaning, beautiful leaves and depressingly cold fall) (and winter is not as depressingly cold, its a more likable cold)

forgive my language, common culture calls for singular means of effectively expressing my true meaning

i noticed that i respond to whoever i am talking to, especially on how i come off at first. with some, i am the most cynical ass they ever met (they are usually disadvantaged in the mental skills). with others, gay, and with Others, straight. u get my meaning

if u dont.. well.. just practice reading my journals some more.

anyhow, i thought of how this (me acting/reacting to the person's personality/comprehension level) could be why some people totally misinterpret me, but, usually, the more they get to know me, the more my true self inevitably becomes apparent. could even be true for everyone (i think it should be, on some level). as for myself, it comes naturally, and i am most natural when i respond, but if i use logical reasoning to format my (output.. wahahah) my impact on them, it's less natural (duh).

POST has finished. now for some rambling (thoughts on the job)
which leads me too... .... ill put it in question form. is making conscious decisions a violation of that natural personality? (almost instinctual personality). i would think so, but decisions are essential; emotions and natural responses simply are neither acceptable nor satisfactory. for some reason, everyone hates knowing that they are fake in their head, but do not care in their hearts (by heart i mean, what they REALLY want or what really matters to them)

so... it must be a mix. symbiosis...?

4:45pm: life #319382749701
Wah! (pow,bang,kaboom)

what am i doing.. emotion-stemming posts are supposed to go into LJ, not xanga!

~this morning, i woke up feeling so motivated, ready to cast off the burdens building up on my back, and then i came back and my excellent state died. some people killed it.
-from yesterday, when i had an excellent, almost spiritually perfect weekend, and came back home from SAT IIs, where my parents stirred into the mix the "parent factor"

dont leave
stay here
go do apps
get off computer
go get the *17th item i was sent for*
pick up that *35th object i filed away*
meet mr. *3rd smiling face involved in painfully insignificant and polite introduction*

some clients were invited over, parents killed my state of motivation, into which i couldnt even play piano to go from confused / dejected to bored, and i wasted 6 hours doing NOTHING.

hey... at least i have a talent for doing nothing.

10:28am: ok
ok.

im a lot more stable about now... not perfect; not working like... a kevin trinh might work, but stable. i can talk to jennifer, she can talk to me, but id rather not sit at her table (plus id be the only guy there). one thing though, it will be difficult for her to be my friend, because my heart is definitely closed. to her, maybe it makes all the conversations feel superficial (which they are), but no matter: i dont see any reason to be her friend anyway. meanwhile......

Meanwhile, ill sharpen my iq skills and my social interaction skills (as goals) as well as my personal integrity. thats ... well... my life for now. my school schedule is on www.xanga.com/piercethedarknis , and i do clubs CCC and science olympiad, and some other clubs on the side.

Piano too; im teaching someone improvisation. You know what? piano is the only thing that i feel completely confident about teaching. its a great feeling anyway, that full grasp

ttyl chingoodil

6:48pm:

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9:40am: anger
i am mad because im going to go out with a bang, neglecting to turn in almost everything. my grade, MY GRADE!!!! it is shameful.

Did i forget how to work? why do i take so long? im putting enough time into it.

i dont know what lesson i was supposed to learn from my losses this semester, and i dont know whats worth achieving if i cant finish anything.

all of this is making me less valuable, or at least feel worth less. who would desire to be or stay my friend? you wont get anything. all ill do is dissapoint you. you know that its not that i dont care, its just that i wont achieve and wont show the care i have for you. one day youll break, and then its ok if i dissapoint you, because it doesnt hurt anymore... it doesnt hurt if you didnt lose something. am i no longer a part of you? i think so.

specifically speaking from the previous statement that can apply to any potential or current friend, i am sorry for making kevin think that its best to protect oneself from getting dissapointed among other harms by not letting a friend depend on your care.


these are my thoughts. i wont edit them. i would edit them, but i am so lazy that i dont think i would finish

12:14pm: when
i only post well when i feel like posting...
the internet didnt work, so my emotions are all dead

i made a hole in the wall from anger
my grades fell badly
i was going to go to a college camp / course this summer,
but now theres no reason.
ill take a job w/ my summer school to pay for the hole
i think ill go to purdue after all.the reason to go somewhere else is gone. the schools i mightve gotten into are impossible now.

thats my next... 3-4 yrs i think.

ill not take anymore of someone holding me to something. im the one that decides what i do.

spanish class sucks... the only class left that doesnt work towards learning.

12:14am: Sweat to death
It's horrible, I'm losing the concept of doing now to get later->delayed gratification. Coercive stimuli aside, is there any other motive to develop a foundation of character?

11:42pm: hm...
hm... if uve noticed, i havent been with life for a while... maybe ill snap into it sometime.

12:11am: pooh
im not going to relate how the subject of this update really works in to todays list of events, but rather just say that i want more sleep, but im just not gonna get any. Also.., id like to stop lying about my life.... hm.... i dont think im going to get either....

so do i win? ( think great gatsby-> who wins? )

maybe i should lose and be the good guy.

1:41am: manman
MANMAN. i must simply post SOMETHING. with all this otherworldly dedication floating around....

anyway, im in this club called science olympiad. in this club, i can be really helpful and learn lots of stuff and build lots of ... other stuff that would help us get to state and then nationals, but of course i decided to try to get the internet working. its 143 and my parents are watching cop reruns....



gah, i feel like i miss everyone.

--joe--

8:51pm: i think u guys are gonna kill me.

5:40pm: ok.
ok; here it is. ask a question and ill have an answer for u, i promise.

but now i go errand running with mom.